I'm a legend in my own mind

Okay so.. I was really really bored at work yesterday. I do various things for Subway (eat fresh) and one of them involves going to a Subway restaurant and surveying the customers to find out where they are coming from and going to in order to track traffic. I have to be there at lunch (11:30am-2pm) and dinner (5-7:30pm). It's interesting enough, the questions are very easy and most people are quite helpful. But sometimes, like last night, the store is unbearably slow and I have to sit there between customers looking for ways to entertain myself. Only 20 people came into Subway last night in 2.5 hours. That left me with a LOT of downtime. Luckily, I was feeling creative. So, when thinking about how lately I've been ignoring my love of Derek Roy in favor of slightly goofy, extremely dashing Patrick Sharp, "Derek" decided to call me out on it. The conversation went something like this..

Derek Roy (henceforth known as DR): Sam, I've noticed that lately your attention has been wandering. I mean, out of the last 10 or so posts on your blog, only 3 were about me but 4 were about him.
Me: Him? Which "him"? *whistles*
DR: *glowers* You know who I'm talking about. That... that BLACKHAWK! Patrick Sharp.
Me: Ooooh.. him. (guiltily) Well, Derek, I really didn't want it to come out this way, but there *is* another guy. I know, I've been pretty faithful to you for a few years now, you even won the favorite "active" player from Marty Brodeur, but lately, it's like you aren't even trying to keep my attention. The Sabres have been better but your game is still inconsistent. And you only score goals when I'm not watching. And what about post-game interviews?
DR: Don't you care about intangibles? I've been HITTING people! I thought you liked scrappy Royzie.
Me: I do. It's just that.. well there are other players out there that are fun to watch too.
DR: *mutters* I don't believe this!
Me: And I hate to tell you this, but maybe being a popular player is hurting you here. The Sabres powers that be on the website and the Sabres Show only seem to want to profile the lesser-known guys. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but maybe you should do something to make them want to talk about you...I mean, he's got the "Pick (on) a Teammate" gig, the "all-star" ad, this guy cranks out video. He's really connecting with his fans.
DR: But.. he's in Chicago. How is that connecting with anything?
Me: The internet makes everything smaller, my friend. Still, you must know this wasn't easy. I tried to fight it.
DR: Then WHY, Sam? What does he have that I don't?
Me: Well, for starters, he's tall, dark and handsome.
DR: Not fair! Genetics, man. I'm NOT short! I'm.... fun-sized, yeah. Good things come in small packages? Okay so I'm not tall... I'm not dark.. well we all know this isn't my natural hair color.. I could go back for you, no more highlights. But I'm handsome, right? I could grow my beard again, I know you like the red beard.
Me: I'll take it under advisement. You can't beat his hair though, so don't even try.
DR: What else?
Me: Let's look at goals. He had 36 last year to your 32. He had 7 shorties last season. 7! Lead the league. Shorthanded goals are HOT. You had 3. Not bad, but not league-leading. Also of note, he was a +23 for the season on a team that didn't make the playoffs, and he had 9 PPG in there. SO he was on the ice for a lot more goals for than goals against. Just sayin.
DR: Live in the now.
Me: Ok-This year Sharpie has 21 G and you have 18. He has 7 PPG, you have 4. You do beat him on Game Winners and you have more points, but he has more goals. And I like goals. So he wins there. And I've got both of you on my fantasy teams but he can play C or LW so he gets an edge there too. Versatility. He's good in the circle, too.
DR: Fine. I had 81 pts last year in 78 games and 44 in 47 games this year. He's not that good.
Me: Not yet. But what about off the ice? The only non-hockey I can find of you are "look at my beer belly" shots and some really disturbing pictures of you wearing women's clothing. Ugly women's clothing. I really hope you were drunk when those pictures were taken. Try to explain that one?
DR: It's not my fault! My friends are mean. It's not the 'real' me.
Me: Not buyin it, buddy. All I see of Sharpie are some random pics with fans (he's wearing his JERSEY) and some oh so foxy modeling of Team Canada World Championship jerseys. You played on Team Canada.. didn't see them picking YOU to represent.
DR: But I did score 5 goals.
Me: Didn't see 'em so they don't count here. Moving on. Patrick Sharp is always filming things for the Blackhawks website. I barely see you on the Sabres..
DR: I showed you my HOUSE!
Me: I know. And your personal assistant.. really?
DR: I can explain!
Me: Save it. Humility, my friend. You'd do well to learn it. A little self-deprecating humor wouldn't hurt either. Say.. do you have any footage of your time in the band Power Struggle with Ryan Miller back in the Rochester days? That might win you some points.
DR: Er...um. No. But I was on the All-Star Ballot! Didn't even have to write me in.
Me: Are you on the All-Star team? Your first part of the season was pretty forgettable.
DR: I've picked it up! I scored 2 goals last night!
Me: Again, when I wasn't watching. You've got to coordinate this better. I've not giving up on you.. just know that there are other gents out there worth a look. And I will be looking. I want to see some good, feisty, goal-scoring Derek Roy (that helps the Sabres WIN games) and maybe a little fun on the side.. do something to get yourself on the Sabres show, will ya? Then we'll re-visit the topic. I do still have your jersey (and no, I haven't bought a Sharp one and don't plan to.. yet) so you are still #1.. barely. Don't push me.
DR: Thanks. I'll see what I can do. Oh, I might be firing my PA soon.. want to put in an application?
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And there you have it. I thought it was funny but I'm sure I'm just crazy. Tomorrow we'll visit Ryan Miller and the song I wrote about him.